Monday, June 17, 2013

Run Lola run!

The calm violet evening had just given birth to a full moon that hovered like a copper yellow bubble over the horizon... The satin curtains of red and orange had long been drawn leaving behind this velvety trail of pink and violet. It was the evening, where the moon seemed larger than life. Supreme and spiritual. Calm and effort-less. Way larger than its usual self. Way larger than the worries that bothered Lola, who seemed so lost in thought gazing at this magnificent yellow disc.

Lola didn't want this time to pass. She wanted to hold on to this moment and hated that time was never by her side. It always seemed to be in an utter hopeless hurry to meet the future. She seemed to have no control over it and always found herself playing a chaser's role. Much like the diligent mother who somehow manages to catch up with her toddler, only to see him viciously dart again! 

Lola had a staunch Christian upbringing. Her mother, being a single parent, had faced a lot of hardships in raising her. Lola wasn't all that good with her studies, but had managed to scrape through. They had diagnosed her with ADHD, but then who isn't? She loved the gym and sports was her passion. She never missed her morning jogs. She loved soccer. Dolls never interested her and she could never relate to the pinks.  

It had taken her an eternity and a lot of courage to come out of the closet. Until then life was nothing but suffocation. She decided to first confide in her mother, but this had gone down pretty hard with her. Her mother refused to accept it. She refused to see Lola's point of view. She refused that it could be genetic or could be due to hormonal imbalances. They clashed daily. She was willing to hire the best psychiatrist to "cure" her. 

Lola could breathe no longer in that home. So far she had felt that she was different. Now she felt alone and unable to connect to her own mother, let alone the society. She knew she wouldn't find much solace in her old orthodox town. She decided to move out to LA.

And she did. LA brought pace in her life. She picked on her opportunities and followed her passion to start a gym and soon managed to build a very comfortable life for herself. She was looked upon as some sort of a hero and her story inspired many. LA was way more receptive of her ways and she no longer lived with guilt or shame. But an open mind and respect for the orientation of others doesn't necessarily make their life easier. All this effort to find her own identity and make a mark for herself had taken away a lot of time. Lola was 38. Her relationship with her girlfriend, Jenny, had hit a rough patch. They were fighting a lot and the usual issues of communication and trust seemed to have reached a point of no return. 

All her childhood friends seemed happily married with kids. She felt left out. She felt left behind. She was still struggling to find solid ground. Still searching for a supporting companion with whom she could settle and start enjoying the little joys of life that most people so take for granted. 

Lola wanted to have kids of her own that she could raise with Jenny. She was reading a lot of medical articles on the possibilities for the same. Words like "donor insemination", "invitro fertilization", "ovulation induction", "adoption" seemed to have become her day-to-day lingo. She was also learning a lot about the legal tangles involving each. Somehow she was fascinated with the idea of her donating her eggs and Jenny bearing her child so that their family could enjoy the joys, social privileges and the legal recognition of complete dual motherhood.

But with their relationship hitting rock bottom, this dream of hers seemed to be fizzling away. She so wished that her life was a little easier! 

As the night passed by, Lola watched the moon calmly sail through the star studded sky. It seemed like an endless night. She barely managed to catch a wink, but many of her thoughts that bothered her for long seemed to have reached some sort of conclusion. She seemed to have made some long-pending decisions or regained some inner peace. 

That morning Lola visited a reproductive endocrinologist and enrolled for the procedure of freezing her eggs. At 38, she wanted to preserve a hope of ever having a child of her own.

After returning she hit the treadmill. She canceled all her client trainings for that day and decided to spend some time all by herself. She wanted to do more things for herself. She wanted to run for herself. She wanted more time.

Acknowledgments - 

Inspired by the story of Jackie Warner. No claim of adherence to factual truths is made here. In fact, the story has been altered with an aim to salute the people who come out of the closet and go on to make a mark in their lives and also to highlight the issues that they have to deal with along the way...